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The Cigarette Pack

Here's where we get to respond to your emails, list
entries, and other miscellaneous communications you've
sent (most likely in flame form). Any flames will be
used to refill our lighters and light our cigarettes.

March 26, 2003:
Today's one and only flame is from bob ok, and the original
message can be found under the subject 'oh geeze' in our lists.
"I really hope you are kidding. This is totally pathetic. How
can you even get a sight like this on the internet is what I
want to know."
Well, bob ok from the us[a], we are most certainly not kidding.
The fact that you bothered to sign the lists and fill out all the
entries on the form (I especially liked that you showed off all
your technical know-how with that 'huh' in the URL field) for such
a small and really mundane flame shows us that truly only your life
is the only thing that's pathetic around here. Both Dmi Yoti and
myself are pretty conversant in HTML and design. If you would like
a site like this on the Internet, I'm sure Tripod, CotRP's server,
would be happy to help you build yours.
-- Dmi Vori

January the 12th, 2003:
Our first email is from the d.l.f., who writes:
"as i was perusing your site i happened to notice the
cigarette pack section and was appalled at the emails sent
by people claiming God hates you, you are going to hell,
et cetera. regardless of the truth of any of those statements
which i would say is dubious, these people give the faith i
share with them a bad name. while indeed our beliefs could be
called narrow, that doesnt make me bigoted - i just choose to
believe in a system of absolutes, which means there is right and
there is wrong, heaven and hell, life and death and so forth.
at any rate, i am not going to explain my beliefs in any in depth
fashion, your responses to others indicate that you probably
understand them better than many that claim them (although in
noting that Jesus died 1,970 years ago at the hands of the
Romans, you neglected to mention that the same manuscripts which
contain stories of his death also speak of his resurrection).
what i do want to adress is the "christians' who write you. here
goes. people, come on - how many times did Jesus attack unbelievers?
other than the money changers in the temple, none. so where
exactly do you get off in thinking that was what He meant for you
to do? and by the way - if you do decide to take a stand for your
faith (which is not the same as attacking someone, and is in fact
a good thing), for crying out loud, would you mind knowing your
material even the slightest bit? thats all i ask, stop ruining
it for the rest of us by perpetuating the idea that all christians
are bigoted, intolerant rednecks that dont practice what they
preach. that's all, i'm pretty sure i spelled it all correctly."
"p.s. thanks for putting up the site - it was an interesting study
Let me take a moment to thank the d.l.f. for a well thought email.
I myself was brought up Roman Catholic, and it was more the strong
fundamentalists of other Christian sects and how they twisted every
well meaning philosophy into something to use for their own benefit
and against the will of those who don't believe. History has often
proved this to be the case, and that is what turned me off to the
religion. I do not find it proper to speak on Dmi Yoti's behalf
about this particular subject.
However, I understand that not all Christians are those types of
people, and I respect the opinion of those who can respect mine.
Thanks again,
-- Dmi Vori

Our first flame is from Jessica, under the heading of Jesus in
our lists. Hi, Jessica. Welcome to CotRP! She writes:
"I wish you knew how much Jesus Loves you, and how badly it hurts
him when he sees stuff like this. He will forgive you and you
can be saved if you just ask. If you don't, I'm sorry to say this
but you're going to hell!
Remember Jesus loves you and I do too.
John 3:16 (THE REAL BIBLE)"
Wow, Jessica. We love you, too. And sure, let's invite Jesus
into this little orgy. He was all for love when he was still living,
and we think that's killer. Unfortunately, Jesus is dead (if you
recall, the Romans did kill him about 1,970 years ago), and
an unfortunate number of his followers turned out to be ranting
psychotics hell bent on imposing their own cracked view of his
teachings on the rest of the world. It's a sad little affair.
- Dmi Vori

Our next flame comes from someone who calls himself "unknowen"
on our lists.
"it u realy think u r going 2 heaven think again ...jesus doen't
like his own 2 b like that jesus forgives people but it will b hard
2 4give u's who think of him in the bad way n i realy hope he does
4give u's coz u's r all dopess"
I have one word for you: spellcheck.
- Dmi Vori

This next one comes from christina, an AOL user. *sniggles*
"i needed to report on cult and u guys are just waisting my time...
i know this is a joke, what kinda names are those? even freeks from
cults dont worship tuning forks what a load of shit"
Joke? *blinks* Well, anyway, we always value the input of 14 year
old schoolgirls. I hope you didn't put that the Cult of the Rabid
Petunias was a "waist" of time in your report, seeing as the correct
version of the word you were looking for is "waste". We're always
looking to waste people's time. Especially if they're doing reports
and looking things up on the Internet. Most professors will agree
with me on this one -- books are much better sources than the Internet,
and most teachers won't accept a Works Cited page if it has even one
website listed on it.
- Dmi Vori

From MystikPhyre, who's not allowed to tell his or her email address:
"This is a bunch of bull crap. I hope that you find it in your hearts
to listen to what previous Christians have told you. Jesus does not
like this kind of corruption. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.
And in the beginning, GOD, not whoever you worship, created the heavens
and the Earth."
Hmm. Bull crap. All we've really done here is taken the myths and
legends that previous Christians have told us, and changed the names and
places to protect the innocent. So really, you just called your own
religion bull crap. Nice to know you agree with me.
- Dmi Vori

goodwillwaggi miister of the eternal truth, the man who doesn't know
how to use the Shift key himself, writes:
"petunias eh? nothing but fragile icky flowers. you should rethink
your represenative entity. Rabbits have nice glowy red eyes (sign of
spiritual possesion hence contact with the spirit world) or chipmunks.
In general rodents are go(o)d, yes? Anyways thistles are better.motzart!
this is goodwillwaggi miister and messenger of the eternal truth"
Well, we did think about using small woodland creatures, specifically
squirrels, since they are naturally evil. But in the end we vetoed
that idea. The reason? Who can connect properly with something that
actually moves? Petunias are prefect (yes, the misspelling is on purpose),
simply because they are living beings which don't move -- perfect for
meditation focus.
- Dmi Vori

This last message is very important, and I'd like to take a moment to
thank Isildur for posting it on our lists.
"i've noticed some of you have taken to this board for the use of
hateful words, this is strange, CotRP doesn't seem to have much to say
about predudice, i think some of you need a psychiatrist (howeveryou
spell it)"
The official position of CotRP on "hateful words" is that we don't want
to hear them, at least towards other religions whose true form is
against violence towards other people and generally good for the Earth.
Direct them to us, we'll make a mockery out of you and light our
cigarettes with your yummy flames. Direct them towards others who don't
deserve any of your shit, and we will delete it/throw out the offending
member/otherwise deal with it in an appropriate manner. Some of us have
psychiatrists, and some of us are in training to become psychiatrists.
Oddly enough, the one person who was concerned about their spelling didn't
need to be. Thank you for your feedback.
- Dmi Vori



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